Cow Island

Hello, Bertha here. Now please pay attention because: THIS IS A VERY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT! After many years of investing, mine and Norma's joint hats collection has outgrown the Blogger office. For this reason and this reason alone - nothing whatsoever to do with the new place being next to a Patisserie - we have now moved to a shiny new office on Haystack. No, wait - that's not right... SUBSTACK.  THE NEW OFFICE IS ON SUBSTACK!   All our Tales will remain here but the Blogger office has now been "archived" (whatever that means); and all future Herd shenanigans will be shared at our new Hayst... SUBSTACK! And Shhhhhhh... Don't tell Norma I told you this because I'm not supposed to moo a word about it yet but... NEW COW ISLAND TALES ARE BEING PENNED! So you'll need to be subscribbled or whatever over there to read them*. Must get on - lots of hats to unpack! Bertha *PS. All the Tales from Blogger have been imported to the new office too, so you can subscr...

'And lobsters prefer steel toe capped boots,' Annie explained, 'but woe betide you if you offer them anything with a kitten heel.' Annie waited for Captain Eyepatch's head to say something but it didn't so she did an extremely pretty dance around him and then yawned. 'Tired now!' she mooed. 'I sincerely hope you're not!' Cyril said. 'It's almost semi mid morning not quite lunch yet snack time!' 'Oh goodie!' Annie yawned. 'What are we having?' 'It's mostly advanced legal fee on toast,' Cyril replied. 'But the toast is on trifle which is on cake which is on pancakes. I thought we'd keep it light and save ourselves for a proper late morning almost lunchtime feast.' 'I shall be guided by your culinary wisdom,' Annie said. 'Are there any choccie biccies left?'  And Cyril said there were. 'Can we stay on the beach for weeks and weeks and weeks?' Annie ask...

'Take them away!' Queen Phoebe commanded and she waved in a regal fashion as Flossie and Lefty, led by Norman and several palace guards, marched off along the beach. 'It's so sad that they can't seem to change their evil pirate type ways,' Norma sighed. 'Possibly,' Queen Phoebe replied, 'but One had them bang to rights and no mistake so it's a ten year stretch at His Kingshipfulness's pleasure I'm afraid. 'But are you not concerned about their threat of legal action from injuries sustained due to the absence of an 'andrail?' Camille asked. 'One has already taken the precaution of employing a top notch legal team,' Queen Phoebe replied. 'One has been assured it will be dealt with in next to no time.' Norma experienced a sudden sinking feeling. 'Has it been suggested they be paid in food?' she asked. 'As it happens,' Queen Phoebe replied. Norma wondered if she should say somethi...

Flossie lay at the bottom of the old cliff path. Lefty lay next to him under what appeared to be Captain Bill's head. Flossie had a vague recollection that he might have been hit by it. 'Should have been a handrail,' Lefty sighed. Then the sand vibrated with the sound of approaching feet and Norman arrived. 'GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!' he trumpeted and he waved his tentacles about and they all flew off and landed in the sea. 'Ooooops!' he cried and he ran off to get them back. Flossie noticed that what appeared to be Captain Bill's body was close by too. And the sand vibrated with the sound of approaching hooves and Annie tumbled horns over tail into view. 'I told him to use more brown tape!' she mooed and she picked up Captain Bill's head, did a very pretty dance, and stampeded off toward Cyril. Flossie saw that the swag bag was also at the bottom of the old cliff path. And the sand vibrated but only a l...

'Last one's almost out,' Lefty bleated. 'Har! Har! Har!' Flossie cried. 'Who needs opposable thumbs!' 'Be nice though,' Lefty said. 'Would make eating bananas easier.' 'True!' Flossie replied. 'Very partial to a banana...need to be ripe though.' 'Do we have to take the tiny pick back?' Lefty asked. 'Should do,' Flossie said, 'but then, you know, pirates and all, just thought we'd steal it.' 'Make a nice memento,' Lefty suggested. 'I thought so,' Flossie agreed. 'Was going to get some postcards but never had the time.' 'Could get Mum to make a display case for it,' Lefty continued, 'with a small engraved brass plaque.' 'Like your thinking!' Flossie replied. 'Now, are we ready to go?' 'All done and staple free,' Lefty bleated. 'Top pirating!' Flossie said. 'I can't help feeling the we've weathe...

Norma, Queen Phoebe and Camille's little students stood and watched as the figures came nearer. Bertha appeared to be carrying Captain Bill. Camille appeared to be carrying another Captain Bill. 'One thought there was only one of them?' Queen Phoebe said. 'It's a long story,' Norma mooed. 'It so often is where your lives are concerned,' Queen Phoebe replied. One of the little students raised a hoof. 'The one on the left,' Norma said as she could guess the question that was being asked. As they got closer Norma, Queen Phoebe and Camille's little students could hear shouting coming from one of the approaching figures.  'PUT ME DOWN!' It was the voice of Captain Bill. 'DOWN!....NOW!.....DOWN!....DOWN! THAT'S AN ORDER!!!!' Norma guessed it was Bertha who was being shouted at. Norma also guessed, correctly as it happens, that Bertha wasn't taking a blind bit of notice. Eventually, Bertha, Camille and th...

'Curses part one hundred and twelve...give or take,' Flossie began. 'Lost count if I'm honest! The swag bag's been giant stapled to the cliff me hearties!' 'Does make it more secure,' Lefty observed. 'It's less likely to fall off the edge now.' 'True!' Flossie replied. 'But not really the point.........Don't suppose you're carrying a crowbar by any chance?' 'I've made a note to make sure I always carry one in the future,' Lefty bleated. 'Mum's got one she doesn't use anymore.' 'Excellent!' Flossie cried. 'Positive thinking etcetera etcetera but really need it now. Did we happen to pass a kiosk of an itinerant crow bar vendor as we started up the old cliff path?' 'Didn't see one,' Lefty said. 'No, neither did I,' Flossie bleated. 'Thought it was a bit of a long shot. Clutching at straws really but, you know, desperate times...' ...